by Jon Hartz & Tim Mueller

From the no shit file, a recent survey by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago revealed that only 14% of American adults can currently say they are very happy, compared to 45% at this same time of year in 2018. So, thanks for quantifying this, University of Chicago. It’s a real pick-me-up, maybe you’d like to come over and kick our dogs.

We’re unhappy. What do we do? No concerts, no festivals, no baseball. No Chill on the Hill, Jazz in the Park, nooomygod, what do we do? We rally, of course. So far 2020 kinda sucks…but only kinda. We are Milwaukee, dammit. We roll up our sleeves, crack open a beer, and find a way. However, let’s be mindful of the fact that we are still in a pandemic. Restrictions are lifting, it’s summer, we are social creatures and need to be around others, but let’s be smart about how we play. With that in mind, we present to you -The Social Distancing Olympics.

We suggest keeping your gatherings small, mostly because it’s safer and the right thing to do. Also, we are who we are, there will be drinking, and too many people makes it hard to keep track of the results.

Start with some opening ceremonies. Everyone stone-faced and intense puts on terry cloth headbands and wristbands (colors of your choice) while listening to “Formation” by Beyonce’. Stare at each other, determined and resolved. Wait for the discomfort to set in, but don’t look away, this is also the first event. If you look away, you’re eliminated. Keep going until there is only one person left or people start falling in love. If this starts to happen call the first event a draw and move on or the rest of the afternoon will just be weird.

Second event – Social Re-Distancing. Put a medical mask over your mouth and nose, then get a second mask to cover your eyes.  Count to ten as your friends move about the yard, practicing social distancing. Try to find out where they are by swinging a fishing pole back and forth. Eye protection is recommended. This is like Marco/Polo, but not in the water. Also, don’t do this in the water. You have masks all over your face. This is a timed event.

Now, while everyone nurses fishing pole whip wounds, we get literary for the third event – Old Sport. You’ll need a pool. It can be any size, but we recommend the little plastic turtle ones with the built in slide. Designate four Jay Gatsby’s, blindfolded, armed with paper cut outs of green light bulbs (tape on the back) and one Nick Carraway (props optional). Place a large portrait of Daisy Buchanan on the shed on the other end of the lawn. Crates of bootlegged liquor and other various poor choices scattered between the starting point and the portrait of Daisy. The Nick Carraway will yell out hints to guide the blindfolded Gatsby’s as they navigate the yard in order to place their bulb closest to Daisy. Whoever has the bulb that’s furthest from Daisy has to go lay in the pool (face up). Game ends when there are three Gatsby’s in the pool and one staring at his bulb.

Next we have Whiskey Baseball, this should be a quick one.  Buy the cheapest whiskey in a plastic bottle that you can find and a box of Kleenex. Watch Bruce Sutter strike out Gorman Thomas to end game seven of the 1982 World Series on repeat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdCTt6cKyJY. First person to cry wins. Anyone who doesn’t cry has to move to St. Louis.

At this point it’ll be necessary to lighten the mood, it’s time for Bob-Sled.  You need a friend named Bob. If you don’t have one, rename a current friend. Have Bob lie on the ground, on their stomach. Put four solo cups filled with water (don’t waste beer) on Bob’s back. Play a first person POV video of bobsledding on your phone and put it in front of Bob. Bob must move their body in the direction to navigate the turns & angles without dumping the water as they try to reach the end of the track while remaining dry. Good news, everyone who plays gets to change their name to Bob (they are not allowed to change back). Choose participants carefully, not everyone likes the name Bob.

This next one is for the home owner – Fencing. Have several friends line up along your wooden fence, six feet apart, with paint buckets and brushes. Each person paints one six-foot section of your fence.  When everyone is done painting, thank them for the help.  There’s only one real winner.

If you wish to feed your friends now that they’ve just painted your fence, fire up the grill and prepare for the final event – Brat or Not.

Brat or Not is a blindfolded grilling game. You’ll need to buy a healthy supply of sausage casings and then fill them with the food of your choice: Napa Cabbage, off brand baby food, canned cheese, Chef Boyardee, uncooked noodles, Japanese eggplant, or maybe ghost peppers & a single pubic hair, you get the idea. Serve the blindfolded athlete random samples, making sure to occasionally mix in an actual brat. While they guess which bite is a brat and which is not, they chase things down with a Wiscosa – a pint glass filled with 1/2 Leinenkugel’s 1/2 orange juice (drop a shot of Ameretto in the mix and you’ve got a Lunchbox.) A secondary event measuring the distance of your friends’ projectile vomiting may occur.

Closing Ceremonies – Fire on the Mountain/Smoke on the Water. Listen to classic rock, pretend its the ’70s, and light your fire pit (outside, please). If you were keeping score, then hand out medals. Chances are, you weren’t. If you’ve all made it to this point and are still friends, then, really, everyone’s a winner. You’ve had a busy day, it’s time for Tube Socks & Tube Tops!! Be respectful, maintain some distance, and tear it up, Milwaukee…within reason.

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